


Gooed Up Rhymes

by aimlessAnemone



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-11
Updated: 2013-08-10
Packaged: 2017-12-23 02:16:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/920800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aimlessAnemone/pseuds/aimlessAnemone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>First installment of a Jane/Dave because it's my favorite pairing and the tag is sadly lacking in volume. I don't have much of a set plan yet, so we'll see where this goes. Hopefully it's slightly comedic! Will try to update relatively often. I don't own Homestuck, of course. :3</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gooed Up Rhymes

Well, damn. It took longer than usual, but those rhymes are sweet. You can’t wait to rap ‘em out loud so dave_ebubbles can post them in a worrying fusion of nostalgia and suaveness. But first things first. You’ve really got to talk business and numbers and shit with your bro, John. Pull up a pesterlog.

TG: yo john I found the words to lead a fucking gross of vagrant hermits back to their home shells

TG: their arrival brings tears of joy to their motherfucking crab families and those tears

TG: those tears rip up the fabric from the shittiest upholstery til it all culminates in a huge sloppy pile of stained fabric and cracked arthropod legs

TG: the ultimate fucking sadness man

EB: wow john! i’m impressed. you will have to send it to me when it’s done!

TG: you bet i will

TG: anyway

TG: ive been meaning to bring something up with you

EB: okay. what is it, dave?

TG: your teen gran

EB: oh, jane! what about her?

TG: theres something energy sapping about her

TG: whenever shes in the room with me i cant focus on all these righteous beats

TG: i think theres still some batterwitch in her and its freakin me out

EB: well dave, i hadn’t really thought about that but i don’t think it’s possible! 

EB: not anymore at least!

TG: yeah man i know but 

TG: theres still something unsettling about her

EB: dave, are you sure you don’t have a crush? :)

TG: what

TG: fuck yes do

TG: youve already broken my heart egbert leaving me here in the metaphorical cold with nothin but a fuckin electric blanket with no outlet in sight

TG: so i had to resort to the next best thing

TG: which would be the meticulous ass of the woman whose birth made yours possible

EB: ew dave!

EB: i don’t want to think about that!!

TG: yeah well youre gonna have to get used to it

TG: the feelings ive got for your gma are those ornamental peppers that make your lips fucking numb if youve been eyein them up all day just wondering whether the purple tastes any different from the yellow

TG: and it does dude

TG: its an explosion of flavor the likes of which you never thought possible from something that small

TG: pure concentrated heat

EB: wow, dave. i cant wait for the wedding!

TG: you better start preparing man

TG: youre gonna be the motherfucking best man and i wont put up with a sloppy speech

TG: hey you know what ill just write it for you

TG: cant have you messin with the meter of the evening

EB: but i’ve been waiting all my life to write a speech for your wedding!

TG: dude i seriously cant have you messing up my perfect night with your sistergrandma

TG: youre my best friend but its all gotta be utopian

TG: sleek steel flying cars food made from people

TG: once you channel that man you can speak in the steeple

EB: well maybe i'll have to take some lessons from you then, dave. :)

TG: thats right

TG: stay positive

TG: maybe someday youll have a chance to even reach the sniffle of sickness from my ill beats

TG: get ready to be infected by the rhyming prowess of motherfucking thoreau in shades im your man dave

EB: i sure can’t wait!

TG: well im out

TG: my ladyfriend

TG: and by ladyfriend i mean your nanna

TG: is calling

Yeah, that was smooth, all right. Why would John ever insinuate that you felt something for his grandma? God damnit, he must have been bingeing on romcoms with that fuckass, Karkat, again. Vantas is great, but the atmosphere really starts to stink up to high hell when the two of them start comparing Julia Roberts and troll Julia Roberts. At least John’s got another outlet for this gushing now, and you’re pretty relieved at that.

Speaking of gushing, the doggerels you were spitting out at John really got you inspired. Dave_ebubbles can wait; you’ve got to put your nose to the hypothetical grindstone of song and churn something out before you get distracted again!

The turntables are out, the rhythm is pumping, and you’re about to lay down a rap, when a flashing notification on Pesterchat alerts you to a message from gutsyGumshoe. Oh, shit. If you ignore it her batter-y powers will goo up your thinking processes and you’ll be out of commission for the whole night, so you’d better check it.

2 B CONTINUED OMG?!?!


End file.
